Thoughts

I'm an insomniac. I haven't been sleeping and my thoughts precede me. While my body is trying to live in the moment and take it day by day, my mind is traveling in the past and the future. I reach my arms out to touch the sky hoping to grab on to the present but those many thoughts race by. I don't know what to do, don't know where to turn, have no one to listen, and sometimes feel like I cant even trust myself. I am a whirlwind of emotional struggle. No one understands my struggle or feels my pain but God and I. Is it a test? What's the result? I cant escape my past but I feel i struggle to plan my future, both which are out of my hands, both which utterly scare me. Do I fight or let go? Will I be the victor or the loser? Thoughts thoughts thoughts haunt me in my sleep and taunt my mind when I'm awake. To fear is human but to let it control you leads to love's demise. I feel like a coffin waiting to bury my emotions and my soul to put them away forever and have them never return. My heart is broken with every beat it tries to make i hear the pieces shatter like glass. What do you do when you don't know what to do?...You just stand still and SOMETHING will happen. At this point it is no longer up to me and I surrender it all. The one who held my heart made it clear that here is where she doesn't want to be. So I pick up the shattered pieces, put it in my bag and muster up enough courage to walk away. This time letting the feud between my heart and my head stop this ongoing battle. My head has won, I guess since she's gone, now I must somehow push my heart to follow. Thought thought thoughts...