Day 2- So its the second day since I lost someone very close so me. It seems like an eternity has gone by since they left my side. I mean i don't blame her I wasn't the best thing since sliced bread to her but damn it i didn't try to be. I just have a question when will the pain stop?! When will the love die if ever to help me cope with the situation? Why do i find it so hard to move on even after the good and bad times we shared? Am I just holding onto the distant memory of what we shared and not accepting the realities of the heart and mind? My heart is telling me one thing while my mind is telling me another. How do i cope with the lost of a love one? There are steps i know the mourning stage just seems like the hardest stage to get over. I never thought before she would come back into my life and when she did it was so shocking and surprising to me that i vowed to do all i can to make it work and by me being on edge about being so perfect i neglected to LISTEN to what she really needed and thus this is the reason I am writing as the tears flow down my cheeks.

I haven't been happy with myself for sometime thinking that I wasn't wanted by my love when she did the ultimate in showing me she just wanted me...I try to be strong and evaluate my feelings tapping into my unconscious thought about why I did the things I do sitting asking myself why after so long can't I leave? Is it because I know I had a good thing I fucked up and now I am being selfish or is it because I know it is meant to be? So many questions and stand that has been taken by her but I know there is NO room for selfishness in a relationship or even in a marriage! 

Chance after chance I  was given but to no avail the things i thought i was changing weren't the ones that needed to be fixed. It was the lack of things that I was doing that needed to be corrected. Now I don't know and will never know if I failed be cause it couldn't work or if I failed because I couldn't see the err in my ways.

~M

You Reap What You Sow

Everyone wants to be treated like they are the first, last, and only but the reality is there are many parts of a person. The have the people in their life before you, the ones they meet while they are with you and the dreaded ones they love after you. No on wants to see the ones they love so dearly in the arms of someone else, so why is it that everyone is only appreciated when they are gone? Why must we wait until the final hours in the final days to show someone that we care? It's have if we breathed a second to long to get what we really feel out. My reason is because of fear. I was always afraid of losing the love that i deemed so strongly for me but in the times of the crunch I realized that it takes so much more than love to fix the problem. A lesson that i learned a little too late.

 I always knew just like in the movie and like we were told as youngster that ''Love Conquers All'' well ladies and gentlemen i am here to tell you that it doesn't! Take it from me and don't be a fool any longer to believe that it does. It takes TRUST, honor, compassion, friendship, passion and fire, along with stability. Never let someone come and do the job you are supposed to be doing for you significant other and make sure no matter what you do you give it your all and know that you can only live up to your own expectation, no one else's. A friend of mine once asked me ''What can i bring to the table of a relationship?'' and this is such a deep and profound question because if you think the only thing you are worth is love the feelings are bound to drift and you will only result in heartache. Always wondering had you acted a little sooner when your love told you what they needed would the love still be there.

We reap what we sow and whatever you aren't doing at home someone else will gladly come in and take your place, especially if you have a good thing at home. Learn from my many years of mistakes and treat your first like your last and your last like your first and hold on to a good thing especially when you know that its good. Tomorrow is not promised today so cherish the love and the happiness while you can still hold on to it