Day 2- So its the second day since I lost someone very close so me. It seems like an eternity has gone by since they left my side. I mean i don't blame her I wasn't the best thing since sliced bread to her but damn it i didn't try to be. I just have a question when will the pain stop?! When will the love die if ever to help me cope with the situation? Why do i find it so hard to move on even after the good and bad times we shared? Am I just holding onto the distant memory of what we shared and not accepting the realities of the heart and mind? My heart is telling me one thing while my mind is telling me another. How do i cope with the lost of a love one? There are steps i know the mourning stage just seems like the hardest stage to get over. I never thought before she would come back into my life and when she did it was so shocking and surprising to me that i vowed to do all i can to make it work and by me being on edge about being so perfect i neglected to LISTEN to what she really needed and thus this is the reason I am writing as the tears flow down my cheeks.

I haven't been happy with myself for sometime thinking that I wasn't wanted by my love when she did the ultimate in showing me she just wanted me...I try to be strong and evaluate my feelings tapping into my unconscious thought about why I did the things I do sitting asking myself why after so long can't I leave? Is it because I know I had a good thing I fucked up and now I am being selfish or is it because I know it is meant to be? So many questions and stand that has been taken by her but I know there is NO room for selfishness in a relationship or even in a marriage! 

Chance after chance I  was given but to no avail the things i thought i was changing weren't the ones that needed to be fixed. It was the lack of things that I was doing that needed to be corrected. Now I don't know and will never know if I failed be cause it couldn't work or if I failed because I couldn't see the err in my ways.

~M