Thoughts

I'm an insomniac. I haven't been sleeping and my thoughts precede me. While my body is trying to live in the moment and take it day by day, my mind is traveling in the past and the future. I reach my arms out to touch the sky hoping to grab on to the present but those many thoughts race by. I don't know what to do, don't know where to turn, have no one to listen, and sometimes feel like I cant even trust myself. I am a whirlwind of emotional struggle. No one understands my struggle or feels my pain but God and I. Is it a test? What's the result? I cant escape my past but I feel i struggle to plan my future, both which are out of my hands, both which utterly scare me. Do I fight or let go? Will I be the victor or the loser? Thoughts thoughts thoughts haunt me in my sleep and taunt my mind when I'm awake. To fear is human but to let it control you leads to love's demise. I feel like a coffin waiting to bury my emotions and my soul to put them away forever and have them never return. My heart is broken with every beat it tries to make i hear the pieces shatter like glass. What do you do when you don't know what to do?...You just stand still and SOMETHING will happen. At this point it is no longer up to me and I surrender it all. The one who held my heart made it clear that here is where she doesn't want to be. So I pick up the shattered pieces, put it in my bag and muster up enough courage to walk away. This time letting the feud between my heart and my head stop this ongoing battle. My head has won, I guess since she's gone, now I must somehow push my heart to follow. Thought thought thoughts...

10 Minute Break

Ok so right now I'm at work on my break and I have 10 minutes left so I decided to get on here and blog and vent a little. Ok so this past year has been crazy...a class I need to take in order for me to get ONE of my dream jobs was closed so now I have to wait until the summer to take it :( I have a plan and a schedule I need to keep so hopefully this wont set me back. In addition to that my dad is really sick and the weather isn't making it any easier for him to deal with. Now this adds on a little extra pressure for me because I want to hurry and get into nursing school so I can graduate and make my next move so I can help my family out. 

Another lil issue I have been dealing with that has been taking up most of my mental and emotional capacity is my failed engagement. Yes I was engaged and it ended after less than 2 short months. I have been thinking about all the arguments, fights, and small issues that led up to that moment and yes it happened the day AFTER Christmas...lol what a present right? But aside from that I have just been finding out from my ex exactly how I am viewed in her eyes. You know when you're oh so deep in love things dont always appear so cosy and good but as soon as the shit hits the fan your are the worst person in the world. I mean I will admit I had my shit with me not perfect, far from it, a little selfish at times, and sometimes vain...This i def will admit but you know what kills me? When ppl throw that shit in your face! Like damn dog I know i got work to do but do u have to pour salt and vinegar on an already open very deep wound?!...Lol I guess this is just my karma for doing it to her.

I just want to know how do you get over a past love that just might have altered your future? I mean I am definatly

no saint and I would even lie and tell anyone I am. I have my flaws and faults and sometimes one persons flaws

are just too much for someone to handle (maybe even the one who owns them). **Sigh** my feelings about the

situation is like an unstable roller coaster. When I dont think about us and the lack there of I'm good! But when you're

constantly reminded of how and why you hurt the one you love so much it stings and the feeling of guilt pops

back up. Why?! Ppl yes I was wrong in some of the things that I have done but for the past 2 months I have

been more attentive, giving, hardworking, loving (not on a physical level tho) and just genuine than I could remember.

Like wtf is it! She told me I wasn't the one and thats cool but why must the salt be thrown on it all the time, she's

moved on yet mocks me cuz I lost her like duh I know I lost her and that is something that doesnt sit well with

me but hey i'm trying to deal with it.

Yeah I know I hurt her and yes I wish i could take the pain away. Maybe I should have fell back and relaxed and

worked on me when she was working on her. I should have let nature take its course while building myself back up to the

confident person I was BUT i didnt i forced it and picked at the scabs and reopened the sore before it could fully heal

and now its infected! Shit it might have gangrene and you know when you have that the only choice is to amputate it!

My damn man that was my left hand man, my deuce boon coon, my road dawg, my life my fuckin other 1/2 like

literally! Was it all a joke? Was the love not real? Was it to just past time? Is God telling me to take this time to

really grow? But most importantly are we really over?!

Thats retorical cuz I know she done with me, no false hopes, so sentimental love songs or poems, now its the

nitty gritty. I learned a lot from her and a lot about myself...some shit I wanted to change but didnt think it was

a big deal til I lost someone so fuckin embedded into my heart and spirit. I miss her I love her and was my calm

after the storm and now I'm just a fuckin sale boat stuck in the middle of the Bermuda triangle, sucked in and cant

get out...Needless to say I learned my lesson and new shit about me that I am definately working on changing.

I gotta start with ME...I just wish I didnt have to wait until she was gone...

...ok 10 min is up and I didnt know i could type all this THAT fast later...

Spews of Randomness

So according to my horoscope for this month I'm at a very creative peak in my life so why not decide to write something. I have always enjoyed writing but lately I have had so much on my mind that no single idea would stand out and work for me it was all mostly random and jumbled. I never considered myself very creative when it came to writing but when it comes to fashion i could create a masterpiece for all to see. I guess that's why I got along so well with an old friend of mind. She was a beast with words and I with fashion...so here it goes my random spew lol

I absolutely love the TV shows House, Nip/Tuck, Monk, CSI (Vegas of course the others don't really move me), Family Guy, Sex and the City, and more recently the Food Channel strikes a fancy to me

I love using fancy words like Swanky and Quaint :-) this just makes me smile.

I get a kick out of the little things in life and watching the rain fall on my window pane with my boo is the best thing in the world and can comfort and soothe me even in my worst moods.

My mother told me that no one can make you happy but you and I am so realizing that I  am finding what excites me again and it makes me smile.

Dancing in the mirror with my headphones on listening to good music that makes me remember what i went through and the strength i possess makes me happy.

I miss my ex, of course I don't to tell her then she would know how much she is on my mind...so unless she reading this she is completely out off the loop.

I  have such a huge imagination sometimes i create delusions on grandeur when i shouldn't and could use my imagination for more intimate ;-) and creative things.

I love fashion and want to become a personal stylist BUT on the other hand I want to become a nurse...I am such a geek its not even funny.

I used to tell me ex everything I learned it would help me study and she would listen even if she already knew the information i was sharing.

I love love love to travel and try new things, clothes, foods, new places, new cultures, anything to stimulate my mind and increase my knowledge i'm al about.

I am a very sexual person although I am shy as it is hard to imagine...an outgoing shy person (such an oxymoron)

I dont like fake phony people although all of us can be a victim of this at times

I realize that I am a very nice and sweet person but pretend to be a Bitch at times to protect being used...I guess this is why i cant seem to stay mad at ppl esp the ones I love, it gets tiring trying to pretend.

Damn

Is it my face you see 

When you wake up in the morn next to him her them or she

Does she roll over in the middle of the night

And kiss your eyes nose and mouth so effortlessly

Is the embrace that she gives you as pure as snow

Or is it tarnished like a locket far to delicate to hold

Are her motives purely for you or is there some power she's tryna gain over you.

Does your scent of smell overwhelm you with the happy memories of me

The ones that make you shake and shiver 

And moan and groan as we make love pasionately

Do the words that I write strike a cord of things put far away in your mind

I always knew that before we were through we would be put thru the test of time

Now that we both failed

Each in our individual  way

You cant tell me not a day goes by and you dont think about me or feel about me or miss me callin you just to ease your day

Day 2- So its the second day since I lost someone very close so me. It seems like an eternity has gone by since they left my side. I mean i don't blame her I wasn't the best thing since sliced bread to her but damn it i didn't try to be. I just have a question when will the pain stop?! When will the love die if ever to help me cope with the situation? Why do i find it so hard to move on even after the good and bad times we shared? Am I just holding onto the distant memory of what we shared and not accepting the realities of the heart and mind? My heart is telling me one thing while my mind is telling me another. How do i cope with the lost of a love one? There are steps i know the mourning stage just seems like the hardest stage to get over. I never thought before she would come back into my life and when she did it was so shocking and surprising to me that i vowed to do all i can to make it work and by me being on edge about being so perfect i neglected to LISTEN to what she really needed and thus this is the reason I am writing as the tears flow down my cheeks.

I haven't been happy with myself for sometime thinking that I wasn't wanted by my love when she did the ultimate in showing me she just wanted me...I try to be strong and evaluate my feelings tapping into my unconscious thought about why I did the things I do sitting asking myself why after so long can't I leave? Is it because I know I had a good thing I fucked up and now I am being selfish or is it because I know it is meant to be? So many questions and stand that has been taken by her but I know there is NO room for selfishness in a relationship or even in a marriage! 

Chance after chance I  was given but to no avail the things i thought i was changing weren't the ones that needed to be fixed. It was the lack of things that I was doing that needed to be corrected. Now I don't know and will never know if I failed be cause it couldn't work or if I failed because I couldn't see the err in my ways.

~M

You Reap What You Sow

Everyone wants to be treated like they are the first, last, and only but the reality is there are many parts of a person. The have the people in their life before you, the ones they meet while they are with you and the dreaded ones they love after you. No on wants to see the ones they love so dearly in the arms of someone else, so why is it that everyone is only appreciated when they are gone? Why must we wait until the final hours in the final days to show someone that we care? It's have if we breathed a second to long to get what we really feel out. My reason is because of fear. I was always afraid of losing the love that i deemed so strongly for me but in the times of the crunch I realized that it takes so much more than love to fix the problem. A lesson that i learned a little too late.

 I always knew just like in the movie and like we were told as youngster that ''Love Conquers All'' well ladies and gentlemen i am here to tell you that it doesn't! Take it from me and don't be a fool any longer to believe that it does. It takes TRUST, honor, compassion, friendship, passion and fire, along with stability. Never let someone come and do the job you are supposed to be doing for you significant other and make sure no matter what you do you give it your all and know that you can only live up to your own expectation, no one else's. A friend of mine once asked me ''What can i bring to the table of a relationship?'' and this is such a deep and profound question because if you think the only thing you are worth is love the feelings are bound to drift and you will only result in heartache. Always wondering had you acted a little sooner when your love told you what they needed would the love still be there.

We reap what we sow and whatever you aren't doing at home someone else will gladly come in and take your place, especially if you have a good thing at home. Learn from my many years of mistakes and treat your first like your last and your last like your first and hold on to a good thing especially when you know that its good. Tomorrow is not promised today so cherish the love and the happiness while you can still hold on to it